Yep, www.allforgood.org is Google's new community service search engine. Very cool. Check it out all!!!

mood: okay music: Johnny Cash-it ain't me babe

I care about very deeply on Friday.But, I know in the end its for the best. We had reached a point where we didn't bring out the best in each other& I personally used him as a crutch& excuse for certain behaviors I should have given to God a long time ago. Though I pride myself on not playing games& being a very straight forward person, I realize that my actions& words were far from in sync when it came to him. I had realized this a few weeks ago, as my last post states& was trying to find a way to transition things between us. But  somethings in life just aren't meant to be& its not always easy to let go of the past. Sometimes people are only supposed to be in your life for a season. I am a better person now because of him& the things he helped me through.Now its time to shed the crutch he gave me& learn to be a better person without him.I had tried to lie& tell myself that as long as the title was changed I could keep him in my life,because I have a very soft spot for all he's been there for me through-but none of the actions changed.We're not all meant to be friends& this is for the best no matter how it may have come about.

mood: nostalgic

I'm sorry I've hurt you. It was never my intention. I think you misunderstood what I meant when I used the word friend. I wasn't putting you in the "just friends" category. I wasn't saying that's all you were to me (you were much more even though I was afraid to show it). It wasn't the closing of a door & it didn't mean I had led you on.  As you know all too well, I'm just recently finding myself again.  What a relationship between us would be & what I actually have to give right now are two different things I think. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you. You should know better than that. This whole thing got way out of hand because of miscommunication and insecurity. But you meant & still mean a lot to me.  After we saw you the other nite, Matt knocked some sense into me & helped me realize how stupid it is that both of us seem to have just moved on & are acting like we don't even know each other.  I apologize for leaving this here. But, I figured if you read this then you were actually thinking about me in some capacity to check my journal. As opposed to sending an email that you may just have deleted with the spam. ( And there we have a perfect example of those issues of my own I'm working on.) I wish you nothing but the best & I would love to hear from you!

this has gotten out of hand and miss interpurtted by people who were never meant to read it. I've had thhis journal for 4years and it has always been a way in which friends and I kept up with each other when life got too crazy to call all the time. We would know what was going on with each other, etc so when we did have time we didnt have to waste it filling each other in. I  have kept my journal open not thinking that those who do not have any part in it would feel the need to read it. ButI guess thats why we have reality tv huh? We are a voyeuristic society. With that said I am now making this friends only. You'll have to sign up for lj and friend me to read it. I never had a problem putting my life out there and i never understood why other people didn't. Apparently, I was too obtuse. By doing this I realize I have been both grossly misunderstood and afected others who were part of my life in a negative way. Why would I care if I am grossly misunderstood by people I do not know? Well it makes me wonder if people I do know make the same mistakes in translating me. And that is something I do not want. So all I can say is I'm sorry. I was not nor do I look for drama. I have been through alot in the last few years and want nothing but the opposite. I have spent alot of time recently not thinking and just doing whatever I felt like or what felt good at that moment instead of looking at the big picture & I have realized that that too has been a form of escapism.In my attempt to quell the drama that has been brought up it seems I have done nothing but the opposite. I am trully sorry for any misunderstandings caused or any wrong doing on my part. 

Gina

mood: crushed

I don't talk about my pain & instead hide behind the mundane doesn't mean it isn't there! I've been crying myself to sleep & again the moment I wake up & every other second of the day I can't try to ignore it, for the last two weeks now. What can I say. I've always hidden from the problems when the pain got too much. You are a better person than me on that! But PLEASE if nothing else don't assume this means I don't care. I've been living with this pain and guilt and the chance of this outcome for the last two years now.  I have screamed and yelled at myself, God and the world for so long my voice is gone. I have dealt with the pain & guilt soo long its become a part of me.  I am sorry that I may seem numb to you because I AM NOT! I hurt so bad right now I can't think straight. I don't know what I have left to live for. Or why I should even try. Please mom just because I dont show it to everyone doesnt mean it doesnt exist...It is the only reason I still do. I am a coward yes. But not heartless. The opposite is true. I am soo scared of what will happen if I let it out. But then I start to think what does it matter. What do I have to live for anymore anyway now? Please understand that its not that this doesnt affect me. This is the only thing that does. The only reason I didnt give up and quit years ago.  Through the years I have amassed some very odd defense mechanisms when it comes to emotions. Right or wrong they have helped me through during the times in the last 10-12 yrs when I didnt think I'd make it (and at times when I didn't care to) I am trying to deal with them and see them for what they are and be more open with my feelings, thought, and emotions.  I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say or do right now.  But, PLEASE know that I love you.

(written in a past pretense. A sort of how I wish I had seen life back then)

He may die before the morning. But I have been with him for seven years. Seven years! There is no way I could feel cheated if I didn't have him for another day. I didn't deserve him for one minute, God knows.

And I may die before the morning.

What I must do is accept death. To die now realizing both the justice in death and the injustice of life. We have had a good life- more trials than many, but happier together than most. Personally I have had twenty-six years here. I couldn't ask for another day. What did I do to deserve birth? It was a gift of God & my mother. I am alive- that is a miracle in itself. I had no right to a single hour as so many in this country aren't given a single minute. And yet I've had twenty-six years! 

Few can choose when they'll die. So I choose to accept death now. As of this moment I'll give up my "right" to live. And I give up my "right" to his life.

But it is now the morning. I have been given another day. Another day to write & think. to feel & question. to love & hurt. I am alive for another day.

I think of those who aren't. I think of him. Even though I ache. Even though I feel he deserved it more than me. It wasn't my choice to make & the Lord knows more than I...

      It's funny. If I had accepted death then how much more life I would have had up until now. But then we've always been good at living irony huh baby? And you always knew I was a little thick headed when it came to learning lessons. I'm starting to get it now honey. But, ohh how I miss having these talks with you...

I have recently learned that people I DON"T EVEN KNOW feel the need to talk about me.  There were questions asked to a mutual aquaintance that were none of their buisness first. Then while out with someone Monday nite, we stopped by my place to pick up some movies I needed to return to Blockbuster. I made a comment about the new Chrysler 300 Bret bought a few months ago as we were going past it & I was told something to the affect of "Oh He has a different car. I heard your car wasen't yours . That you guys shared it." I looked at him like he was crazy and said No I've had my car since November and its definetly mine, 100% paid for. Then I thought for a second and realized he must have been talking about when I shared Bret's Infinity for all of a month last year. (which he doesn't even own anymore, lol) He said ya it must have been that. Must have been just someone who was out of the loop. Now today, I hear from someone totally different mind you that apparently there is some bad blood between someone and me. This aparently has to do with something that "supposedly" happened like 6yrs ago or something that I don't even remember and after it being recaled to me (its one of those you hung out with my boyfriend and there was alcohol involved type of things)  I'm pretty sure it was a misunderstanding.  On top of this there was apparently some other issue that makes this person feel like I'm some sort of liar. It's bs because if they really wanted to talk to me about it I could prove myself through emails, etc that were sent to me.  (again its one of those sensitive boyfriend type of things AND with the same people) The fucked up part is that the whole thing is comical in the sense that I've never found the male in question even slightly attractive. I guess there's nothing wrong with the dude, but you all know my type and other than Dan, I've never deviated from it.  Why don't I just try to talk to this person if it is getting to me? Well I sent them a message trying to talk to them and they didn't reply. So I did try to do my part to clear up the whole thing. Why am I rambling and bitching about this? I just hate when people assume things and don't come to people about it. ESPECIALLY, when they then push these opinions on other people without taking the time to trully figure out the truth. And I guess I'm a little perturbed because I thought I had dealt with this and it was one of those "ya, ya everything's fine" type of conversations. So I should find the hypocracy of them lying to me and then calling me that funny, or atleast ironic right? I've tried to think of it from a different angle. I know very well that I am an easily misunderstood person! Especially if you don't know me well I full understand that I can come off very differently than I am and that my actions as a very frank, loud, and physical person can easily be misinturpreted.  I've also thought about the fact that this person knows/ knew my little brother & that if that is where you are getting your opinions from well lets just say they won't be that favorable. Unfortunatley, Tom and I have our own issues to work out & in a lot of ways he still blames me for our parents breaking up. I don't know why I am sitting here rambling about this. I don't know why it is bothering me. The only thing I can come up with is how I felt about Tanya. My odd obsession with the whole thing. My annoyance and anger and dislike for her and the problems it caused between me and Dan. When in reality it was pretty much a big misunderstanding. It took up so much space in my head and got me soo bothered and caused so many problems. I guess I just hate to think that I could be the cause of that for someone else. Even if I don't know them. Any one have any suggestions?